Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Total blast off confessions
I have this feeling for this somebody...
I met him only twice, prolly 2 days or maybe less than that whenever time is truly counted. But with that short period of time, I already know I felt something. Perhaps, a mere admiration/fascination because for me he's an intellectual shit.
The place where we used to hang-out was a place of nostalgia for me. Hence, the following days prior to the first 2 meet-ups, I was actually waiting in vain at the place where we last saw each other with his pals of course, and mine too.
And I was really waiting in vain. Literally.
He had left already, just a news brought to me by our common friend. I left a sigh. Because for all I know, he doesn't reside here but in a place a hundred kilometers away from here.
More to that, the most devastating part was the reason behind why he left. That's because, he's about to be married to somebody else. And I was crashed. Suffered for almost like a decade. Hurting for almost like a century.
But, I catered to overcome it. I held myself busy with all the stuff in school and at home. I was so busy but everyday, at the back of my mind he was there. Occupying most of the spaces even in between.
I survived the first 50 days of no him and everything. I was then glad.
But suddenly, one rainy evening... I saw him and he was talking to me. I was astonished by the fact that he was in front of me, smiling... Like oh, "you!!!" But of course, that's only on my mind. Flabbergasted- the best adjective to describe.
Because of intense shock and all that surrounded the scenario, I couldn't help it but just gave a grin and left.
While riding back home, I was almost crying like crazy but I was in the public so "tiis muna" it's just because I felt 10% happiness and 90% regret because I hadn't grab the opportunity to converse with him.
At home, I cried for like one hour. ALONE in my room, with the lights off to feel the essence of what truly transpired such emotional fiasco.
The feeling was uncertain. Because of it, I was not in focus for a few days.
Monday came and classes resume, I saw him again. We talked for just like less than 10 minutes and I was off to class.
After classes, I met him again but said good bye for awhile for I was heading to the mall to accompany the rest of my catastrophe batch to celebrate our first year anniversary but due to inevitable circumstances, I paced back. Hurrying of course.
Then, back to the usual "tambayan", I had conversations with him with other colleagues. Talking about random stuff. Thereafter, we had a conversation, only the two of us because he was going to discuss organizational and contractual matters well like objectifying the binding of both our organizations we are affiliated into. We talked for so long, that I hadn't notice I was actually asking him some deeper agenda like extracting suggestions from him in connection to my presidency in our program. I learned a lot from him, indeed and I was halfway dignified and entirely enlightened.
More so, additional meetings came up... With different people discussing relevant matters. But during that course in time with all the business-like approaches, I really didn't know my friend already told him that I like him. And he was somewhat neutral and in poker face mode when he was told, as mentioned by my friend.
On the way home, he and 2 others accompanied me in the different path I chose so that was really like a plea to them (that's already past 7:30pm so I was really needing a company) we talked again, but that came awkward because even though I hadn't know that he knew "it" already, still I had suspicions that he was already told but still I acted natural to regain my composure and set aside the pressure.
Leaving... That was the most painful because on that day, I just knew that he'll leave at the 24th and his wedding will be on the 26th of December.
And know what, everyday I'm counting the days left before his wedding day and for me, my dooms day.
For now, it's 34 days to go before he'll finally make a vow of unending love (that's sweet. rly)
But I'm thinking... I'd make the confession, a mere confession of my true feelings towards him because whatever will follow, at least I'll have no regrets. That's the important thing for me now because the burden is already too heavy. Inflicting pain beyond my soul. But I'm still doubtful if I'd really confess because I'm afraid of his response, maybe I'd still have to earn enough and tough courage but there's only 3 days left before he'll finally leave. I am afraid that he might misunderstand me or maybe underestimate my feelings that I'm still a little fellow who is maybe feeling a little and faulty feeling. But I know deep down inside of me, this feeling is something different from all I felt before with all those infatuations and puppy loves. This time is i don't know. Because others too, misunderstood me. They said I'm just entertaining an obvious mistake that I'm just fascinated with him and not simply feeling the love that I used to feel. There are just few people who understand what I'm going through, I feel like so OA now reacting exaggeratedly over this thing because every now and then, I cry and I hate it but I couldn't help it. I am helpless now.
He's about to marry somebody else and I've nothing to do about it. The least things, maybe that I can do know is ACCEPT and LET GO. Well, yeah, that's what everybody says but goodness gracious I CAN'T. I SIMPLY CAN'T! This whole thing is slowly and silently eating me until the last bit of my flesh.
Since, no one will read this... Still the point of this confession is a need to help myself to either stand up or continue dumping myself.
I am falling to pieces... In a place of hopelessness. x _ x
Saturday, November 10, 2012
The Tall Tale of Forever
She
passes at the lobby…
Hearing
moans and growls of busy people…
She
moves straight leaving her candid steps…
Carrying
a heavy loaded bag with enthusiasm…
She
walks…
The
wind strokes her hair…
And
whispers…
Reaching
the hall, her heart skips a beat…
She
flaunts her forme and quivers a bit…
She
sees people…
Some
staring at her…
Some
ignoring…
But
one’s glaring at her with fire…
She
walks fast…
Then
sits with delineation…
He
was astonished…
Watching
closely…
She
talks while the leaves of the trees go green
She
blinks and ceases, listening…
He
replies with words of character and bluntness…
The
wind then blows harder…
His
words fascinate her…
She
listens and her heart grins…
They
both exchange a pinch of their identities…
They
have known…
She
continues hearing the loudness…
Butterflies
filling her belly…
Screaming
at her innermost self…
Suddenly…
He
walks away…
Leaving
her dubious and expecting…
He
walks away…
Realizing
he’s in love…
He
walks away…
The
ground breaks…
Her,
the living one…
Starting…
She’s
dying…
No
one hears…
He’s
far and the bells are ringing…
Ringing…
Ringing…
Flowers
bloom…
Buds
opening and relishing…
They
are born at last…
She
walks at the isle…
Her
dress contrasting the red path…
She
wears a perfect smile…
He
flies reaching beyond ecstasy…
He
is simply happy…
Then
they both exchange vows of love…
For
their tomorrow of affection and bliss…
They
are…
And
forever will…
And
she remains…
The
other girl back at the past…
Forever
a mess…
And
forever will...
Functioning Dysfunctional
Our family is
considered as a broken one since my father abandoned us and had his second
family (and we’re the legit). That was because of my parents’ personal reasons
to address. They had their own, of course. But as foretold, my father was the
reason because of adultery he has committed against my mother. Some kinda usual
but it really hurts especially when you see two persons you both love separate
because they have fallen out of love.
Up to this
time, we are still “broken” but lemme state this as dysfunctional as what they
call it.
My father has
his second family with their two little boys living in the countryside.
I, of course
happy haha is with my beloved mother and two older brothers and with my
grandparents, (but my lolo died last February 13, 2007) aunts and uncles and
cousins.
As you see, I
am the youngest in the legit setting xD but in reality with my father’s
illegitimate children, I am at the middle and the only girl.
Living in a
somewhat unfix set-up is at first, unruly and unstable but that was just before.
And even up to this moment, I cannot avoid envying my friends with a complete
family and a stable living because of parents who are in love with each other
and thus providing whatever the family needs.
After the
tragic event (that was July 5, 2003) which can be counted as 9 years already
that had passed, I’m proud to say that we’ve moved on. I believe it really
takes time and courage to forgive and forget that’s why I am proud that I was
that forgiving and forgetful? Haha. Sure enough.
With these 9
years of ups and downs, my family has lived in Davao with providence from our
extended family. My aunt who works at Saudi as a Dentist and my uncle who works
at various shipping companies as a seaman and my grandparents who provided even
a little. Our education continued because of their help because my mother’s
living is not that enough to sustain our necessities. With my mother’s, she
only had a small-scale business of Banana Buy & Sell to at least support.
My father seldom sends money, only if he is asks. I and my brothers studied in
private schools with well-provided necessities. We experienced events which
molded us to whoever we are now. We have grown as individuals with our unique
characters because of those what happened in the past and because of those
people who have become part of our lives.
On the other
hand, my father with his second family has perhaps lived a good life at a span
of 9 years. They also had their small business and my father continued to work
as a Policeman with good integrity (I know that, he never corrupts nor
disembark other’s rights).
With all what
had transpired in that long period, I believe we have truly moved on because we
are happy. Back then, we had plenty of dialogues- either in a casual conversation
or in a judicial one. We had court hearings and summons we dressed by which
were all unlikely because even as a broken family, that was hurting filing a
case against your father. But that was all that we can do because he never
supported us in a continuous basis.
Still,
understanding and compassion grow stiffer and stronger because after all he was
our father. He may have abandoned us but I firmly believe that he has never
forgotten us nor forsaken us although we lost contact for many years.
I can say we
are a functioning dysfunctional family because despite one another’s flaws and
the pain we have inflicted to one another with all the tragedy we are a family
still functioning and striving to reach our fullest. We have forgiven and
forgotten and we are now rebuilding the family we have somehow lost if not as a
whole family again but at least building the relationship. Now, my mother and
father are friends and we have already accepted our younger siblings even it
hurts me a bit that I am not anymore the youngest. Happiness is raging on!
From a Silver-tongued
I started blogging when I was
14 and my blog site before was at Blogspot and I had literary contents, because
back then, writing literary pieces is my forte other than writing styles. Until
I’ve come to learn to write at all sorts.
When I was in junior year, I
had my blog site at Tumblr. There, I just kept on reblogging, only seldom when
I write my own. That was more on of a second rate of me (though I can post my
own but that’s the nature of the site) and so, I deleted my account. I only
stayed there for almost a month and tried to find sanctuary at some point.
Reaching my last year in high
school, I established a blog site at Wordpress. I thought it was finally the
refuge I’m looking but the fervor faded. I had plenty of articles/posts which
were reviews and in opinionated-forms but I deleted them all. For a month, I
went back to blogging but only for a purpose of academic compliance. My IT
subject required us to create a blog and update it everyday, making it a
journal of our daily activities. And so I wrote and wrote not at heart but only
with an arid purpose.
Then, I realized, all of those
unsuccessful blogs were caused by second-thoughts.
I had second-thoughts of being
expressive or being not. It was also an identity crisis because I couldn’t
actually identify myself as an articulate person or the silent type.
I had a hard time looking for
myself if I would be the outspoken version or the discreet one. Because if I’d
be outspoken, I’d get all the time talking and talking of what my mind and
heart tell but it will make me exaggerated but if I’d get be discreet and all,
people will find me modest and meek but I’d become futile and my real identity
would not be served at its best.
And when the right time came,
I’ve understood the real insides of my heart that I should live up to reality
of myself and that I should not live standing side by side with others’
standards. God gifted me with strong sense of language skills and hence, I
should use it for its purpose of providing me the real identity I’m looking
for. Thank you Lord for such gift because I am now not afraid to say what my
heart desires.
I am really back to blogging.
This is NO FEAR at all.
Write
sensitively.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
At 1:52am
While I am wide awake at past midnight and everybody's sleeping and the stars have forgotten to show up, I remember your face clearly with a deficit yet strong eyes. You were shining, the moon has told me.
Told me you were wrapping your arms 'round her, caressing each moment of affection. Told me you were in bliss while savoring the idea of a vivid future with her. Told me your inner soul dances in the cool breeze of a young place. Told me you were lying in sweet harmony, feeling each other's eternal fire. Told me you were past asleep while your lips form a handsome curve. Told me you're perfect with her.
Then suddenly, the wind blew a little tickling me with the thought... I must forget. But as the morning light tries to counter each darkness at this ungodly hour, I may not forget. Even so when all the light would cover and hurt my eyes. You will never be forgotten.
P.S.
This is a terrible love...
Told me you were wrapping your arms 'round her, caressing each moment of affection. Told me you were in bliss while savoring the idea of a vivid future with her. Told me your inner soul dances in the cool breeze of a young place. Told me you were lying in sweet harmony, feeling each other's eternal fire. Told me you were past asleep while your lips form a handsome curve. Told me you're perfect with her.
Then suddenly, the wind blew a little tickling me with the thought... I must forget. But as the morning light tries to counter each darkness at this ungodly hour, I may not forget. Even so when all the light would cover and hurt my eyes. You will never be forgotten.
P.S.
This is a terrible love...
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