I have this feeling for this somebody...
I met him only twice, prolly 2 days or maybe less than that whenever time is truly counted. But with that short period of time, I already know I felt something. Perhaps, a mere admiration/fascination because for me he's an intellectual shit.
The place where we used to hang-out was a place of nostalgia for me. Hence, the following days prior to the first 2 meet-ups, I was actually waiting in vain at the place where we last saw each other with his pals of course, and mine too.
And I was really waiting in vain. Literally.
He had left already, just a news brought to me by our common friend. I left a sigh. Because for all I know, he doesn't reside here but in a place a hundred kilometers away from here.
More to that, the most devastating part was the reason behind why he left. That's because, he's about to be married to somebody else. And I was crashed. Suffered for almost like a decade. Hurting for almost like a century.
But, I catered to overcome it. I held myself busy with all the stuff in school and at home. I was so busy but everyday, at the back of my mind he was there. Occupying most of the spaces even in between.
I survived the first 50 days of no him and everything. I was then glad.
But suddenly, one rainy evening... I saw him and he was talking to me. I was astonished by the fact that he was in front of me, smiling... Like oh, "you!!!" But of course, that's only on my mind. Flabbergasted- the best adjective to describe.
Because of intense shock and all that surrounded the scenario, I couldn't help it but just gave a grin and left.
While riding back home, I was almost crying like crazy but I was in the public so "tiis muna" it's just because I felt 10% happiness and 90% regret because I hadn't grab the opportunity to converse with him.
At home, I cried for like one hour. ALONE in my room, with the lights off to feel the essence of what truly transpired such emotional fiasco.
The feeling was uncertain. Because of it, I was not in focus for a few days.
Monday came and classes resume, I saw him again. We talked for just like less than 10 minutes and I was off to class.
After classes, I met him again but said good bye for awhile for I was heading to the mall to accompany the rest of my catastrophe batch to celebrate our first year anniversary but due to inevitable circumstances, I paced back. Hurrying of course.
Then, back to the usual "tambayan", I had conversations with him with other colleagues. Talking about random stuff. Thereafter, we had a conversation, only the two of us because he was going to discuss organizational and contractual matters well like objectifying the binding of both our organizations we are affiliated into. We talked for so long, that I hadn't notice I was actually asking him some deeper agenda like extracting suggestions from him in connection to my presidency in our program. I learned a lot from him, indeed and I was halfway dignified and entirely enlightened.
More so, additional meetings came up... With different people discussing relevant matters. But during that course in time with all the business-like approaches, I really didn't know my friend already told him that I like him. And he was somewhat neutral and in poker face mode when he was told, as mentioned by my friend.
On the way home, he and 2 others accompanied me in the different path I chose so that was really like a plea to them (that's already past 7:30pm so I was really needing a company) we talked again, but that came awkward because even though I hadn't know that he knew "it" already, still I had suspicions that he was already told but still I acted natural to regain my composure and set aside the pressure.
Leaving... That was the most painful because on that day, I just knew that he'll leave at the 24th and his wedding will be on the 26th of December.
And know what, everyday I'm counting the days left before his wedding day and for me, my dooms day.
For now, it's 34 days to go before he'll finally make a vow of unending love (that's sweet. rly)
But I'm thinking... I'd make the confession, a mere confession of my true feelings towards him because whatever will follow, at least I'll have no regrets. That's the important thing for me now because the burden is already too heavy. Inflicting pain beyond my soul. But I'm still doubtful if I'd really confess because I'm afraid of his response, maybe I'd still have to earn enough and tough courage but there's only 3 days left before he'll finally leave. I am afraid that he might misunderstand me or maybe underestimate my feelings that I'm still a little fellow who is maybe feeling a little and faulty feeling. But I know deep down inside of me, this feeling is something different from all I felt before with all those infatuations and puppy loves. This time is i don't know. Because others too, misunderstood me. They said I'm just entertaining an obvious mistake that I'm just fascinated with him and not simply feeling the love that I used to feel. There are just few people who understand what I'm going through, I feel like so OA now reacting exaggeratedly over this thing because every now and then, I cry and I hate it but I couldn't help it. I am helpless now.
He's about to marry somebody else and I've nothing to do about it. The least things, maybe that I can do know is ACCEPT and LET GO. Well, yeah, that's what everybody says but goodness gracious I CAN'T. I SIMPLY CAN'T! This whole thing is slowly and silently eating me until the last bit of my flesh.
Since, no one will read this... Still the point of this confession is a need to help myself to either stand up or continue dumping myself.
I am falling to pieces... In a place of hopelessness. x _ x
